


I Have Been Quietly Standing in the Shade

by theshipsfirstmate



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: 4x15 spec, F/M, Felicity finds out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 07:52:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6071197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshipsfirstmate/pseuds/theshipsfirstmate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>4x15 Olicity spec, a.k.a. what happens when Felicity finds out.</p><p>“She stays until they get William back, of course she does. Before anything else, she’s his partner."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Have Been Quietly Standing in the Shade

_Title from “[All My Days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vciPaw6u22Q)” by Alexi Murdoch._

**I Have Been Quietly Standing in the Shade  
**

It lands somewhere between ironic and tragic, that one of the first things she does when she can stand again, is walk out on him.

She stays until they get William back, of course she does. Before anything else, she’s his partner. Their team works day and night to keep Samantha safe and bring Oliver’s son home unharmed, and Felicity shoves everything else – the whirlwind of emotions, every little tragic detail – into tiny little boxes in her mind. That’s what heroes do. That’s how they save the world when everything’s falling apart.

But when the threat is over, when Darhk has been neutralized, when his son is safe and on his way back to Central City – Oliver goes too, and this time Felicity knows why – she breaks open the metaphorical boxes in her mind, and starts readying herself to pack real ones.

The spinal implant is still new, and Curtis has suggested that she try it out a little bit at a time, in half-hour increments a few times a day. When she comes home that night to the big, empty loft – which, if she’s honest, never really felt as homey as their place in Ivy Town – she figures thirty minutes is just enough time to pack a bag.

She’s standing in their closet for the first time in months when she first allows herself to cry, surrounded by memories of them. There’s the dress she wore at their engagement party, his old Arrow hood, the fleece jacket he slipped over her shoulders on the beach that night in Bali. Their life is so far from normal, but for as much time as they’ve spent on the tragic side of things, she also knows that Oliver’s made her happier than she ever thought she could be.

Felicity leaves most of the memories behind – hopefully, she’ll be back for them – and packs a few essentials into a duffle, along with one of the sweatshirts Oliver used to wear to work out during their tiny pass at domestic tranquility.

Even the simple act is exhausting, and by the time she gets back downstairs to her chair, she needs to sit, using the time to record the data for the implant in the app Curtis developed to track her progress.That’s when the door swings open.

“Hey.” She’s not facing him, but she knows Oliver greets her without really looking at her, not noticing the bag next to her. When he does, she hates the way his voice changes, the effect it has on her. “Felicity, what’s…what’s going on?”

In a cheaper version of this story, she’s leaving because she is jealous. Because she’s spent the week in their lair comforting a woman who not only had her fiance’s child, but made him lie to her about it. But they both know that’s not what this is.

“I’m not…” she stutters, turning to face him, kicking herself for not mentally rehearsing this. She clenches her fist to let the diamond on her ring bite into her palm. “I don’t want to do anything official here, but…”

“ _Please_ …” She hasn’t even laid out any details, before he starts pleading, in a voice that makes her chest clench.

“My mother said…she told me the other week that she thought you were going to be a great father.” If she’s going to do this, she’s going to at least tell him everything he deserves to know. “And she’s right. I.. I told her I knew it in my bones.”

He proved it this week, they both know that. He didn’t deserve another test of his humanity and heroics, but he persevered yet again. Thanks to him, everyone’s still here, they're all still on their feet. So to speak.

“You _are_ a great father,” Felicity corrects, knowing they can both hear the tears in her throat as she mentally rewinds the traumas of the week. She feels them start to prick at the corners of her eyes, drops her gaze to swipe absently in the corner. “You’ve been ready for a long time, haven’t you?”

Oliver stays silent, hanging on her words like they’re hard to understand, looking at her like she’s evaporating in front of his very eyes.

“Laura Hoffman started talking about charter schools and waiting lists at brunch that day,” she remembers aloud, the realization coming with the memory. “I was choking on my eggs, but I looked at you, and…you were _ready_.” It’s not a question anymore.

“I was ready when you were…” His voice scratches on its first complete sentence, and finally he kneels down in front of her, at eye-level though he won’t meet hers. “And then…”

“And then your whole world turned upside down.” Her voice shakes again on that last part. Her whole body shudders, actually. She hates it. “And you didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t see another way,” he stumbles, looking so goddamn helpless she wants to hold him. She hates that too. “I wanted…I needed to be in his life.”

“I get that, I do,” she assures. “Except for that first part. Because there _was_ another way, and it’s so crazy clear to me, that I just…”

“Felicity…”

“Yes, that’s how it starts,” she interrupts him right back, voice growing louder. “‘Felicity, I have a son. His mother doesn’t want me to let anyone else know.’ That’s it. That’s all you would have had to say.”

“ _Felicity_ …” Her name seems to be all he can say, and it’s okay because she’s still on a bit of a tear.

“I could have kept another one of your secrets.” He has the decency to flinch at that. “I could have helped you keep him safe. I could have wiped _Malcolm_ _Merlyn_ off the face of a planet with a drone strike if he so much as uttered William’s name.” Her teeth clench tighter at the thought of the villainous plague of a father figure, who owes Oliver his life several times over and yet, continues to threaten theirs. “And I _would_ have. Don’t you know that I would have?”

She runs out of steam, but Oliver stays silent for a few long moments. Felicity wonders if she’s left him nothing to say. She starts to turn a wheel away from him, but his gravely voice stops her short. “I’ve said the word ‘unforgivable’ to you before…”

Felicity remembers, lying in that hospital bed, wondering if maybe their life finally had what it took to rip them apart. She remembers thinking how much harder it would be to go on without her legs if she was also going to lose her heart.

“ _You_ were supposed to be the mother of my kids.” his unbidden confession and change of course snaps her from her reverie. His tone is soft but insistent, shaking with emotions. This time, she’s the one who flinches.  “You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to be.”

It truly isn’t fair, the things that have been taken from him. She’s not adding herself to that list, the distinction is clear in her mind. His tragic expression tells her that’s he’s not as sure. “You’re the only one I’ve ever even considered,” she confesses, almost unconsciously, because it’s true and she knows it. Oliver’s eyes snap to hers at her admission, and he almost smiles.

“I just couldn’t believe we didn’t even get that,” Her heart starts to splinter in her chest as he continues. “And so I kept it from you, partly because of Samantha’s ultimatum. But another part of it, I think, was that if I didn’t tell you, it wasn’t really part of our life, of our future. It wasn’t _real_.”

His last words fuel the fire inside her that his somber tone and puppy dog eyes are trying to tamp out. She’s glad he hasn’t touched her, otherwise the plan might to go hell. “It’s real either way, Oliver,” she reminds him. “You should have told me.”

“I’m sorry.” He hangs his head and looks so sullen that for one split second, she reconsiders the whole thing entirely. But she’s already made herself a promise, and it’s one she intends to keep. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” Felicity tells him honestly. “I’m not leaving. I just need some time. And space. I’ll be at the Starling Grand.”

He nods, solemn, and when he stands and turns his face towards the light of the fireplace, she remembers standing with him in Nanda Parbat, the last time a goodbye made her heart ache like this. He looks like he did then, broken, exhausted, hopeless.

“Will you…” he starts, and she knows she’ll do anything he asks, as long as it isn’t stay. “Will you keep the ring?”

She looks down at her hand, and thinks of Moira Queen. Given her druthers, she might choose not to wear the reminder of the woman who lied to and manipulated her son, who threw his life into chaos even from beyond the grave. But this is about what it means to Oliver.

“Of course,” she tells him, and watches the furrow in his brow relax just a little. His eyes though, they look lost, and she can’t meet them for too long. She wants desperately to stay, even though she knows it’s time to go. “I love you, Oliver.”

He stares at the ground, even as he holds the door open for her. As her arms propel her forwards, her mind turns over whether or not she should be glad that he’s not fighting her more on this. She's sure of nothing in that moment, but she's already regretting this.

“I love you, Felicity.”

In the elevator on the way down, she lets herself cry for the second time.


End file.
